As I sat on that bed, with my left elbow resting on my left leg, as my left cheek rested on my left  hand. I started staring. She was old, barely able to move, awaiting others to do the simplest tasks that a five year old is able to maintain for themselves. I got lost in those lines and wrinkles covering every inch of her face. My great grandmother, by that I mean the mother of my grandmother, sat on that bed, for years unable to move. One moment she would start singing, and the next moment she is crying. She has no knowledge of who I am, who my mother is, or even who my grandmother is, who is her oldest daughter. As she spoke about things that made no sense to any of us. They were memories of her past, of her earlier years, of what she once had. Some were happy thoughts, others were exactly the opposite. To the total stranger they would sound no more than the mumbling of madness.

As I went home that night I started to wonder, hearing nothing but the silence of the four walls that surrounded my room. Then I recalled the statement that says "Time heals all". Well does it? As humans we like to believe that we forget, but do we?

See there is a dilemma that one cannot ignore. We appraise ourselves for loyalty, and loyalty by all means relates to not only being faithful, but also to holding onto everything that once created a beautiful piece that makes up that tender piece of mechanism we call heart. Thus holding onto those old memories of friendships that once made us smile and later betrayed us. Holding onto those dreams that once made us wake up every morning with a vision. Holding onto our faith that makes us stronger against all evil. Holding onto the very person that we want to believe we are.

Despite the fact that as years overlap us, we evolve, we learn from those experiences, yet we tend to choose to drop the sad endings they hold for the sorrow is too much to bare. Betraying the very reason that made us exist as we are today.

So I went back and realized that no matter how much we bury those emotions, like the eighty year old lady did, there will always be times where those memories raise. Exploding like a volcano. Why? Because we seek the very same lesson they taught us once. Why? Because with that pain they gave us, there was a joy that we still want to seek. Why? Because without them we forget that we are humans digging for more than just settling. 

For most of us, forgetting is a strength, or so we think. We believe that our way of standing strong and powerful is demonstrated through defeating those moments of despair. But have we to stop and hold them tighter with appreciation, would we eventually reach a point of peace. A point were we learn that we long for their every thought. Only with reaching that point do we feel comfort at those times when we go visiting those thoughts in years to come, or that moment when they come to visit us. Whether its through a song that popped on your playlist, a place that holds a memory of joy, a tear that escaped in attempt for the eye to speak out what the tongue has failed to explain or simply a long sleepless night where the the soul failed to find its peace therefore it flew to seek the comfort of those who once contained it.

What my thoughts taught me was rather simple and to my acknowledgment should have been much more obvious. "Hold onto what you had, no less than holding onto what you want, for only with that, that you can proudly view your loyalty as an untouchable entity".
Jeddah - 23/8/2011