Today I write to disgrace my self for my failure. Today I write to build judgments that I shall use to whip my own back with. Today I tie the rope of my own ideologies around my neck and see weather it’s going to prove my madness right and bring me eternity, or is it to throw me in the darkest halls of hell.

I haven’t been able to write for a while. No!! Allow me to rephrase that statement, I didn’t want to write for a while, which by the way happens to be by far on of my biggest joys in life. I lost interest in many of the beautiful things I once held in my sleep as I watched them eventually build dreams upon dreams. When one is looking for something they can very often get lost, the more that person gets lost the harder it becomes to even acknowledge their own failures, subsequently an opposite force sucks them towards settling, collapsing and accepting the norm that the majority enforces upon the individualistic distinctiveness that makes us who we are. Not only that, but one could start to sketch that failure into a success in self deception. Lets be fair, after all we are only humans, and the capacity to which one could keep fighting may eventually grow old and tiered.

I recall how young my dreams were, so beautiful, nourished with love and determination, trained to become warriors that would fight anyone who accused them of madness. They grew and grew into their little tribe involving more and more people, revolving around many realities that were beyond mine. My strength grew with them, my self confidence blasted through the skies. Arrogance tried to escape me, oh wait or was it trying to enter me, who cares, for which ever it was I tried to keep it away from my soul or any involvement in those dreams. But the more those dreams grew the more they became out of my control. They grew to be more and more under the control of others and less under mine. I stood there to watch the world devastate what was once a beautiful princess, as I watched every bit of its sheltering cloth fall in shame. The dream was … hold on I still call it a dream!!! It took me this long to identify that this is what was once a dream, and now it has grown to become a nightmare!!!

I disgraced my self for one should master the acknowledgment of their own faults just as well as they are at locating their own strengths. I felt this need for judgment as a result of the time it took for one to underpin this disease. Behind every story there is a lesson, and behind every lesson learnt there are a thousand propositions. If I am to redeem my soul, then I must make sure that I acknowledge the difference between a nightmare and a dream; I must acquire the skill to snap those fingers and prevent illusions from occurring. Remembering that if a dream started beautifully, and I lost control of running that dream till it deformed into a nightmare, then one must wake up, only to rest his soul again, with the intention to dream again. To live a more successful, better planned and most importantly well ended dreams. Your dreams may disappoint you a thousand times, but it’s that one time it brings you eternal happiness that shall make up for all the nightmares.  If ones dreams fail them, then one should make sure they never fail themselves by loosing purpose.

My lesson was learnt, and now I see what I once did not: One may have to lose a few battles, as a strategy, in order for them to win the war.

Newcastle - 28/6/2011

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