A thought in the Dark

Out of no where, changing the flow of the previous conversation, he said: "Faisal when will you write a book, a philosophical novel? I enjoy your writings. It's great to inspire people, to change how they see things, books make a difference". Hasan Eid is a poet, interesting How I came to know him, his book fell in my hands as a friend told me to read it. I thought to myself a Saudi male writing poems in English must be interesting. I read it that day, with every observation i had, i did my habit of twisting the top corner of the page. This is why my books look so used and old, although they were just bought. If I may also add, the drops of my coffee on the covers  make the books look more dramatic. It's fair to accuse me of disrespecting my books. Personally I think it gives them a touch of me, plus I respect my books by giving them my time to read, and spreading the words in them. Back to Hasan, I knew he was a young man from his various views in his writings. I emailed him my thoughts. I must say, I was rather harsh, yet polite. I meant no more than the best of my intentions. I don't regret it, he appreciated my criticism, which I honestly didn't expect, thus we became friends.  
I am thinking in my head; why is he talking about a book, inspiring people, (speaking those words are bringing me pain to hear), especially today. No one knows how I feel, I am used to silence, finding the answers on my own, sometimes it's pride, others it's fear to show my weaknesses, but mostly it's that I don't know what to say. My personalty becomes very sarcastic. too sarcastic, I joke way too much, its my dark side, a defensive mechanism, only those who know me too well would think he is not being himself today, and those who don't know me will think this guy is high on drugs. But then doesn't every single one of you have their way of escaping reality?

Why did I reject Has
an's polite compliments deep within me? See he didn't realize that my days are currently blue, yes blue. We all have them even those fanatic optimists. An optimist is aware of the darkness, he feels it, he goes through it no more nor less than everyone else. He is not delusional you know, not a freak of nature, but he sees the light when no one else does. What Hasan didn't realize is that I am avoiding going home these days, jogging at midnights so that when I go back to my room I am tiered and thoughtless. He also doesn't realize that I woke up that morning cursing every poet, musician, and writer. But why would he know any of this, Why would anyone know, unless I chose to say it. (By the way, I wasn't going to post this article, but my sister asked me why haven't you written this week, I replied, my thoughts didn't take me to a good place, so sharing didn't seem like a smart idea. She replied "Its your duty to tell your friends who always gave you their time to read you the truth, and not only the bright side of your life, but also the low moments that are the reason you see things the way you do". By the way she is an incredible woman, she always knows how to say the things I need to hear, even when she doesn't know the details).
So have I lost my faith in my dreams?
No I'm too damn stubborn for that, although I must be honest I wish I could lose that faith sometimes. But my fate was written to be the man I am and it wont change, most likely the reason is that, when I  pray, I ask my Lord that I never change. To never become too strong that I don't feel or see with my heart. But also never too sensitive that I lose my pride and dignity. I am a man with many contradictions. I'm rather surprised you are still reading my insanity to be honest (Told you I'd try to be funny more than usual, not that am particularly good with jokes anyway).

That night, I bumped into the moon. Tonight it is cut in half, perfectly. It reminded me of t
he the glass we always hear about. Is it half full or empty. I never cared to answer that. My concern was always what is the glass filled with. If it is grape juice, which I love, then its half empty, for i want it to last. But if it is filled with Scottish whiskey, which I hate the smell of, then it is half full. Just the way i see it, good things seem to finish in moments but lasts forever in our memories, bad things seem to take forever to end yet our memories try to let them go as soon as the chance presents itself. Anyway who cares for the glass now, back to the moon, I ignored it to be honest. Didn't care for it tonight, it's a strange thing for me to do, I tend to enjoy a conversation or two with the moon on the beach or the river, but tonight I am taking my anger out on it. No different to a child blaming his little problems on the first person he meets.

Today I am not here to motivate anyone, nor myself. Am not here to share a great experience, nor a bad one,  I just want to stay in the shadows, escape the light, hate those poems and songs I have always loved. I want to put my armor down, I want to breathe, Not fight. I want to contradict myself more than ever. I want to miss everything about myself. The poems, the songs, the spirit, the bright view.

Tonight I will close my eyes, I don't want to see the light, because for those who think I am being a pessimist, all I have to say is:

I chose to close my eyes, because when I open them all I see is a thin trace of light, I can't help but see it. it's my curse. I run towards it like a child ignoring all the consequences, I know every time I open my eyes I am being that fanatic optimist. I will go back to my poetry and books tomorrow, maybe the day after. I will go back to that heart tomorrow, maybe the day after. I will apologies to the moon tomorrow maybe the day after. Depending on what my feelings decide upon.

Tonight I will see the darkness, so that when I open my eyes, the light will look brighter than that I have ever seen. 

Jeddah - 2/11/2011


  1. Love it. I agree with every single word you said! I call this the butterfly phenomena. Every once in a while I feel the need to become a caterpillar and stay on the ground, then go into a cocoon and slowly transform into a butterfly again... A constant cycle of redefining my existence.

    Keep writing what you think Faisal, not what people expect!

    Thumps up :)


  2. "Tonight I will see the darkness, so that when I open my eyes, the light will look brighter than that I have ever seen. " <3

    You are being you even at your worst.. you are being optimistic even when you are pessimistic :")

  3. Dazzling In the midst of darkness
    I always feel guilty when i lose my optimism, I feel like im not trying hard enough to appreciate the light... this piece was a huge inspiration ;)

  4. When I first joined your facebook group I remember thinking “ oh great.. a group where he is writing down his thoughts! I will probably disagree with most of them’’ the reason why I thought that was based on a previous conversation we had.
    In contrary, as I started reading the articles you post I found out that I actually like the way you see things and I agree with you most of the time, also I have learned some new ways to look at them too.

    Your sister is really a smart girl indeed. Sorry, even though your talking about a blue time you’re having, I totally loved this piece, the way you described what you have been through was really nice and amazing.
    Usually when I’m having a blue time I blame myself for why I am not being more optimistic, but a good thing I do I always ask Allah to get me through it alhamdolellah. Looking at it the way you did will help a lot, thank you Faisal.

    You ended it with an Amazing line “Tonight I will see the darkness, so that when I open my eyes, the light will look brighter than that I have ever seen.”

    I am sure you will open your eyes to see the light brighter Faisal and I am sure when day I will be proud and happy to read your book and don’t think I won’t be discussing it with you ok? =)

    Hana AlSomali

  5. Qais, beautiful way to put it my good friend, always been a man of few words, but your words always said a lot within, although we don't always agree on the content, but I can always agree on your high level of intellectuality, flow of thought and respect.

    Thank you

  6. Danya my dear, "Your being you even at your worse, you are being optimistic even when you are pessimistic" ... The best way I can reply to that is to tell you how I reacted, When I read those words you made me smile deeply, both in heart, and by spreading my lips to both sides :).

  7. Rawan, Its an inspiration to me to see your response and care, I am lucky to have such friends.

  8. Hello Hana, You have been a loyal reader for a rather long time, and you must be a witness of the change in my wave of thoughts. Thus your words mean a lot.

    Well You can criticize the book, and discuss it ... If you don't like it Your money back... fair deal I hope :) One day Enshalla I will have rich enough material to publish, till then, your support will always be appreciated. Actually not till then, your support will ALWAYS be appreciated.

  9. I'm proud of you my friend. Hope time will keep us close together, both in heart and distance :)