A confession to my brother

I have developed the habit of unloading my chest on these pages. I feel the comfort I once longed for as I speak my thoughts, a page upon a page and here you are my dear friends reading my insanity. Don’t worry I much prefer it to any other state of mind. When I first wrote I felt much that I should withhold, but here I am now, I fear not, I speak of all that I wonder, from religion to politics, from love to courage. Now I speak to those pages better than to any other I know, isn’t it strange? Maybe this is a companion that I needed in a journey that I couldn’t have anticipated. Yet today I want to talk to a brother, my only brother, for those who don’t know me well, its Sultan. For I hold words for him that are held deep in my heart, and I share it with you, for I hope that some may appreciate what they have while they feel my taste of what am deprived from.

My Dear Brother, Its been 13 months since my arm united with yours, 13 months since my chest felt your chest in joy, 13 months since I felt your heavy breath upon my neck, 13 months since I felt that amazing first hug every time we reunited. There use to be a time where we refused to separate rooms, though we had several empty to accommodate us, for the distance would have been too great to handle. There use to be a time where we couldn’t trust our secrets but with each other, a time we shared all that we had and yet it wasn’t enough. Now those oceans and lands separate us like a sword upon a moment of an execution, determined to dislocate the head from the rest of the body.

I been through a lot my brother, life has deceived me like many others. I was told I should dream with my heads in the clouds and feat on the ground. I refused in stubbornness but to fly, for flying holds freedom that no other can imagine, but i knew the consequences were horrifying, the risk was my choice, and for it i shall be held responsible. I discovered lands of imagination that I never expected to find. I ended in the garden of Eden with no limits to happiness and joy. But it was all an illusion my brother, for I trusted those whom I shouldn’t have, I was wrecked like a ship in the middle of an ocean. Nothing but the great seas to swim through. I was a dot in darkness, and my silence couldn’t have left my chest, for my pride guarded my heart allowing path to no one. But one has found their way through those guards. They guided me through the oceans, through which I almost drowned. But they gave me strength that moved every muscle in my body to swim further. It fueled me with power like a tank through A war zone, running over all that interrupted its path. When I finally found a safe island, I stood on its sand, as they covered my feet, and I looked deep into the water. I saw a reflection of something, was it me? You know what my brother, I was not sure who I was looking at anymore, for what ever it was that got through to me, it consumed me from head to toe.

Anger my brother, it was Anger. A dot escaping into my heart, yet it was too strong for any guard to fight, a virus that fed on my disappointments, growing and growing, day upon day. What scared me the most was not that it ever existed, but the fact that once I reached my shores, I didn’t want to let it go, it’s almost a power that I came to enjoy, I came to appreciate, I came to….Love.

I need no one to tell me it’s a force of darkness, a force that I shall beat regardless of how it took me through oceans of pain, a force that I shall and I will betray.

But my brother as you know sometimes our biggest weaknesses are our strength. I know I don’t plan to let go of this anger, not yet, not till I find my way out of this island and back to my home Till then hold your hands up in prayer, for I only now wish that the Lord will send me a Angel. An Angel that shall destroy my anger with a kiss, a kiss of the lips that I long for in a journey of wonders, may that kiss be the kiss of the Lover that I spent my life searching for, or the kiss of the niece that you shall bless our family with in few weeks.

Till we meet next, I assure you that with the blessing of the creator, nothing shall nor will bring us down, for we shall raise those heads above the sky, I will once again fly, and I shall be stubborn and refuse other wise, I guess after all some things will simply never change. That very same stubbornness shall beat those lands and oceans, for only death can separate me from those i pledge my life for in love

All my love
20/2/2011 - UK

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