Forgive me Lord for I have Sinned

It all started in that little room, as I laid on that single bed, many of those evenings I would lay there as I dimmed those lights listening to ‘Um Kalthum’ or ‘Fayrooz’. Closing my eyes sent me back in time to discover their treasures. I wondered about mine for many years, I wished and wished, with thousands of thoughts and voices telling me that reality is bitter, for I shall quit dreaming, so I slipped back into those covers and slept. Every time I attempted courage, the limitations I was told to believe in hammered my legs down, breaking them, talking me back to the bottom, to where I was.

Not today I won’t, that’s what I convinced myself, so I stood and I decided to draw. To draw a painting of that I desire. It’s a blue print. A guide that shall define my purpose. It started with those two perfectly drawn eyebrows, they stood like two crowns above her beautifully fitted eyes. As I stood and watched fear struck my heart, they were strong and inviting. Mysterious yet won my trust. They dared and I accepted. My lust was aroused, I felt my blood rush through my heart, I stood knowing that I was committing the forbidden by going after her. But I went with all my pride. Forgive me Lord for I am about to sin.

I came back like a defeated king pulling his wrecked ship behind him. Those oceans had many eyes that can imprison even the best of warriors. I walked into my room, I destroyed that painting, yet now I attempted what I didn’t dare to do ever before. My wounds spoke in passion. This time I decided to make a sculpture of that dream I once had. So I engraved those lips with my bare hands. I fought and I fought, but my temptation was too strong, that night I matched my lips with hers, oh my lord they tasted better than anything that I could have imagined. I wanted more than she permitted, for each breath I stole from her gave me morality. As I opened those eyes I knew what it is I had to find, she was a revolution in the dress of a lady, she was war that proclaimed peace, she was the devil in the purity of an angel. I also knew once I saw her that I wont have the power to fight that I held, for what is held was lust. Lust that has grown beyond my control. I knew that I shall run those hands through her curved body till I held her hips firmly. As I do so, I shall look into the eyes, the eyes that fired my madness, and I will feed those lips the words of ‘Qabani’ with my own passion, yet here I am again saying forgive me Lord for I am about to sin.

This time the king had to pull his entire defeated army back home with him, carrying all his crushed hope in shame. No tears can be shown, No weakness can be disclosed, only the pride of trying. He either reached madness or he truly believes he has reached invincibility. Oh for his intentions to create the divinity in a woman, a Goddess that will stand out from all other creations. She has the power to rule and create, to give and appreciate. She has the intelligence of scientists, the laughs of comedians, the tongue of poets, the femininity of a tango dancer, the heart of a mother, the pride of an Arab, the ability to make me feel like a victorious king yet when I am back in that very room, she shall transform me into that needy baby that I once was.

Oh my Lord forgive me for I have sinned, for I have doubted my self once in that little room as I wounded if she existed. Oh my Lord in all your perfection, only you can create her in such astonishing image. Forgive me Lord for forgetting that nothing in life comes at ease, nor would she. But I shall once more carry that army to find her, but with your blessings my Lord I shall never drink from that glass of bitterness ever again. Forgive me lord for my sin is not my love nor lust, but my failure to bring it into reality. Forgive me lord for my sin was simply a vision.

But I hereby warn her, oh my love, if you ever decide to use these powers against me, then recall my words:

جميلة, ذكية,جذابة, مذهلة ........ ولكن تذكري, فلولا حبي, أنت مجرد إمرأة